i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
found a new level of pathetic. i watched a guy pick out cigarette butts from a jar that weren't completely finished. make sure you go somewhere in life.
It wasn't a wasted relationship. I got road-head in an Escalade. I still keep that with me.
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
My vagina just clenched in fear
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
Randomize
