i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
It'd be like medium rare by now.
I love how we're talking about your vagina like it's a piece of meat.
now I know why they wanted me to come. apparently gay guys are stripper magnets
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
I'm giving great sideboob & it's being wasted on my parents.
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
I couldn't finish the episode and had to lay down because the snapple commercial with the mustache was blowing my mind
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
Sooooo drunk. We had the best sex ever and after he looked at me and said "That's whats up". I looked at him weird and he said "Young Jeezy would say it" and passed out on me naked. I think i might be in love
Randomize
