Just had sex in the basement of the library... I knew I was paying $120,000 for something more than a law degree
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
She fell asleep on the sidewalk and people starting using her as a hurdle
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
I don't care who it's from we're getting blown. It's a 3 day weekend anything can happen
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
Just scratched my head and I basically rained glitter.
I just want him to go down on me while I eat a burger. Is that too much to ask?
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
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