wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
all i wanted was to be slutty. now i'm meeting him for drinks tomorrow because he woke up before i had a chance to sneak out and was too polite to say no
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
First week back and I made to one class, its gonna be okay after all.
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
Let's say hypothetically if you were going to put icing on a penis and then lick it clean...what would you ice it with? Not a knife right?
I was full on naked standing in his room and I just said "this isn't me" and left.
It's okay, big boobs are better than running.
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
Randomize