went to sleep on the couch in jeans and socks. woke up in bed totally nude no memory of moving. best farewell party ever
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
We tried to line dance with everyone but it turned into drunken stumbling and attempting to grind on random frat boys. I feel that this might turn into an every Thursday thing.
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
That is NOT what pussyfooting around means. Try that again with your toe and I break it off.
Blow job season was short but glorious.
my paper on vitamins just turned into a 2 hour tangent google search on what i should buy to best cure a hangover. I need to stop getting high before homework
I was angry that a college kid had a new Audi
so I peed on it
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
You know tonight's gonna be a good night when your already planning on sleeping in a trunk
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
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