I only have two rules. But i've fotgotten those rules and replaced them w 2 other rules
girl has like over 50 stars tattooed on her front, side and back. feels like i just fucked the universe.
Just saw someone buying TWO six packs of O'Doul's. WHY ??
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
I think your dad took our porno
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
What section do you want to sit in? The screaming girls section or the "when you guys were popular I was straight and pretended not to like you guys" section?
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
RICK FUCKING MORANIS!!!!!
Randomize
