I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
Is there a polite/non-lush way to ask how alcohol ranks on their list of priorities? Because like idk how to break the ice furreal.
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
My diet has been 80% Fun Dip this week, soooo, no. Not good.
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
Good news! Blood’s flowing!
Well it was okay until he pinned my arms over my head and I found the loaded pistol tucked behind the bed... THIS IS WHY WE DON'T FUCK BOYS IN MONTANA ANYMORE
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
Randomize
