I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
First thing on my "to do" list- get sober for community service.
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
She had pubes that could make an episode of Duck Dynasty. Fear the Vag Beard
I'm going to pretend you don't watch My Little Pony and focus on your large cock. Kay? Don't bring it up again.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
Randomize
