Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
I remember desperately screaming that I love my life and running in zig zags all the way home
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
This is simple. Just sex and high fives. No feelings.
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
Serious questions. Who is that girl? Why is she wearing a tiara? And why does she keep asking about penis piercings?
I've had to do a couple req orders today and I would like to submit to you an order form to requisition DAT ASS
My roommate walked in naked grabbed my hand and pulled me into her room to see her randoms dick.
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
Okay, the good news, found Jared, all IDs accounted for, Jack is meeting us at yours with your requested the delivery. The bad news: Lost Alice, banned from Stages, possibly fucked my TA in the bathroom.
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
Last night was fun but it wasn't right. I will say that our lives intersected for a brief and intense moment and we will just leave it there.
Randomize
