My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
let me put it this way. im never saying "join in or get out" again unless i know whos in the room.
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
Here you are just trying to masturbate and I'm talking to you like your an initiate for some secret society.
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
im far more worried about your salsa intake than your weed intake
I got a lap dance in honor of your birthday last night.
Thank you.
theres a video...
oh god.
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
You know, normal sex stuff involves shitting your pants. If you do it right.
I discovered moonshine and fell in love.
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
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