I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
just printed 333 ways to get kicked out of wal-mart. hello thursday night.
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
Thats just a parental red flag. They have been brainwashed. Lets baptize them into the church of PBR
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
So now I have had sex with 2 people my son graduated high school with.
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
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