When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
'in an unhealthy relationship' should def be an fb option
You guys seriously fuck to bieber? That's embarrassing...
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
She may be a slut, but at least she's a dedicated slut. She's always super tan and has her shit shaved in really cool designs.
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
Yeah, clearly. And then we can float around my room on Christmas themed inner tubes. And drink, I guess.
Off topic, but is it sad that Matthew and I are calculating how much sex we need to have in order to work off a taco bell burrito?
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
Doap. Just bring some lube and a slingshot. Not sure y we need the slingshot.
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
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