I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
He made a note in his iPhone tonight so that he would remember that I rejected him.
i guess this means i'm going to be wearing knee socks during sex again
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
The last thing i remember was high fiving everyone on the planet.
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
My attempts to make you laugh have failed exceedingly. Naked snap chats it is
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
Of course I have to cross through a walk for hunger
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
Randomize
