I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
Step 1: drink. 2: drink more. 3: go for it. 4a: success. 4b: drink more. 5. drink. 6. go for other girls. 7. drink more. Sound good?
Im pretty sure at one point a very high you yelled, with actual tears in your eyes, "im not wrestling with you anymore, you dont respect my safe word!!"
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
I grinded with the guy who brought the scooter, I'm leaving with success
They think its so cute and admirable that I learned French. BITCH HAVE YOU NEVER HEARD OF GOOGLE TRANSLATE? sexting foreign bitches, there's an app for that
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
Randomize
