I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
just woke up in the hotel with gummi bears all around me and someone took the tv
we took the tv and as for the gummi bears don't eat them you put em in her vagina
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
At what point did we decide It was a good idea t have a wheelbarrow race in the parking lot?
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
He also informed us that it's rude to shove your tit in someone's mouth. Happy Monday.
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
Also, yes, I look pretty rough. But my ovaries fought back this morning so getting dressed decently was not a priority.
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
but you were the sluttiest panda there and you need to embrace it
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
I asked him to change the channel. There was no way I could do reverse cowgirl with golf on.
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
Randomize
