life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
is it appropriate to call someone “ a tasty piece of bitch?” This is time sensitive.
I would have been "that girl" at the party last night if it wasn't for that girl who puked in the potted plant...
All I remember is drinking vodka out of tupperware.
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
But when he came on my stomach I noticed how tan I was!
He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
That's like the cock version of a mortal kombat fatality.
Btw I'm currently writing a paper in a beer garden. Be proud.
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
Right in the middle of our simultaneous orgasms, he shouted "HAPPY NEW YEAR" ruining the intimacy
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
He was 6'8" - I shit you not! He sat up in my bed and the ceiling fan got him right in the forehead.
Randomize
