Come with me and I'll find you a girl. What's your type?
Vagina
well now i know if i ever need to drive puke and talk on the phone at the same time i can
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
Sangria Flip Cup was probably one of our worse drunken decisions
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
Would it be totally wrong, that in honor of princess leias death, I role played as her??
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
I just want a guy who makes lots of money, has a skilled penis and the sex drive of a 22 year on Viagra. Is that too much to ask?
Randomize
