4:12a: just got back to his place now. I don't want to talk about it
I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
I am the prescription. I can be taken orally or vaginally and in any dosage. This is why I went to med school.
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
This is not 2004 anymore. It's not acceptable to get fingered while watching 'Ferngully' in a basement full of your friends.
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
Opened my notebook to coke all over the pages. So, if that's any indication on how this weekend went.
She said my penis was powerful and magnificent
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
Randomize
