So how Liz Lemon is this? I bring a boy home, we get in bed, and I realize there's a lean pocket wrapper in the sheets.
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
you were wandering around the street for like an hour singing "nothing but socks on"..an original you wrote after the 12th shot i believe
This is the high leading the old right now
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
my vagina hasn't met your boyfriend yet ... makes me sad
I mean, how am I going to build a relationship on trust if he finds out I roofied him?
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
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