my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
Here's my recipe for happiness. Go get a pen. 1. smoke a bowl 2. put on explosions in the sky 3. take a bath. Do this for about 1 hour or until all your problems go away.
I hate to tell you this, but your sister reeks of whore.
just once id like to meet someone on craigslist who isnt fat
Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
Just grabbing my bra from a history teacher's desk in the Humanities building. Maybe I should stop drinking on weeknights
When I left you were in the shower in your socks throwing up screaming it was blood but it was "ok" cuz it's recyclable. By the way it was kool aid.
Nothing is worse than post drunken playoff baseball loss sex
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
Probably twitter. Never underestimate a psycho girl with wifi
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
He showed up at 1:10AM covered in mud and vomit, wearing a headband that said victory in Japanese. I WANT PICS.
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
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