Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
I've officially put my junk in foods from 5 of the 6 layers of the nutrition pyramid
one more question, do you know why i woke up with 5 pounds of quarters, nickels and dimes in my pocket?
I ended up on the roof were calling it a tie
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
You didn't even properly utilize my pigtails.
I stole something. Which direction out are you guys gonna go
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
i love it when bitches who pick on you in high school get fat. thank you facebook you have made my day.
All she said to me before going to get another shot was "Damn, I'd eat her out."
She could hold her breath for a long time. Best underwater blowjob ever.
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
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