i wish that i had sketchier friends so that it would be easier to get drugs
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
Dad's already had 6 Zionist conspiracy rants and moms trying to detect any "dark energies" in my soul. You have 4 days before you return to this shit: ENJOY THEM
We fucked on a kid's slide, my vagina is singing praises of being used
I really couldn't care less what she looks like. That's why The Lord Our God gave us doggy-style.
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
this kid sitting diagonally in front of me is searching "cheap bongs" on google. hahahhaaha. who does this kid think he is?
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