chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
At one point during the moaning he reminded me of Forrest Gump
And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life
Wine smoothie.... Not as good as I thought it would be
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
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