seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
no. i seriously look so gross with this sunburn. i wouldnt even wanna bang myself. and im really into myself.
I tried making the sex a little better this time so right before I blew I yelled "ready or not here I come!"
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
I wish you had a penis so you could experience peeing out the window in front of a crowd of people leaving parties.
As it turns out, drunk trust falling that guy at the top of the waterslide didn't really work out for anyone..
I'm just going to say , cocktail races are not for a Wednesday night maybe not even a Friday type of deal
No. I either had a 6 minute orgasm or I had so many I lost count. I'm still not sure.
I ate shrooms on a frozen river in an ice fishing shack after a day of vics and beer and walked around on the river in a stupor. They made me bite the head off of a fish.
He's a doctor now.. hope he can cure his small dick
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
there's a 50/50 chance the night will end in alcohol-induced rituals of satanic nature
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
Randomize