just come out here and I will go home with you...
Facebook really needs to add a bikini picture profile tab for girls, it would really save me countless amounts of time!
he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
And then out of the blue she sent me a youtube video mashup of cats puking to techno music
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
Lindsey Lohan and I have slept with the same amount of people. The only thing she's now beating me on is rehab trips and teen choice awards, so really I'm the winner.
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
Ugh, once again I had to block the view of him peeing off the hotel bar balcony, I earned those free drinks!
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
I woke up saran wrapped to a chair....
You turned down sex for fried cheese??
My penis and doctor won't be happy with me, but come on. Fried cheese!
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