I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
if she leaves who will i have to secretly talk about behind thier back
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
How long is a courtesy make out supposed to last??
I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
You use your abs way more than I realized. Btw multiple orgasms is the best thing I've ever discovered.
I am still worried she'll have a seizure durring. What would I do? Try to ride it out and finish, or pull out and assist?
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
Randomize