Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
I wish that guy wasn't missing teeth
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
I made my rape whistle into a roach clip device. FRESHMAN YEAR!
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
Well I could just do a roadtrip and hit them all. Slut tour 2012.
The name of tonight's festivities is hereby decreed to be the "Honey Boo Boo Hootenanny".
You were fine, but your knee injury definitely came from interpretive dancing like a gay fairy with lead wings all around the Mission St BART. Everyone thought you were on drugs.
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
I mean I puked all over three separate towns last night and I still think you're the one who should reevaluate their life.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
I really wanna treat my body good. Because i plan on doing drugs
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
Randomize
