Just looked in the bathroom mirror before getting to this exam to see If I look as bad as I feel & the answer is no. I look amazing, even in yesterday's clothes
My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
Is it because I queefed?
even if everyone didnt know them screaming eskimo brothers and high fiveing over my head kinda gave it away
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
i like being sick. whatever the doctor gave me is awesone. the walls are waving at me. i never want to get better.
this must be what syphilis tastes like
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
When the sex is so good, you need three fans and have to chug a gallon of water after
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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