i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
4 girls bringing me taco bell. this is what dreams are made of.
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
WHAT IS HAPPENING
A FLOCK OF DICKS IS MIGRATING TOWARDS US.
Like I want to yell at him for pissing on my floor but there's still a chance its my pee....
at least its a cool name to shout when he's balls deep in you later
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
He gave me a brownie at the beginning of class and now I can't feel my face.
Randomize
