I have nothing to say, just wanted ur phone to vibrate
so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
Ok I might come if this chair quits being so great...I'm also seeing this bush in the corner turn into a witch
I had the spins so badly it was like I was having sex with 2 girls
Honestly, I don't care whether it was a guy or a girl. Best blowjob ever.
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
Remember when we were coked out at that house and we were trying to meditate in the bathroom? Who's house were we at?
He took my virginity but also my remaining pizza. i dont know how to feel right now.
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
We made out in front of everyone INCLUDING his girlfriend. And no one saw. THAT DRUNK!
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