She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
woke up to moans and hushed"we can't do this with him in here." hope they had a good time
The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
Random 1st period thought: do you think she could put "had a threesome" on her resume?
Somehow I managed to make my Dunkin Donuts uniform look slutty. And I'm not even wearing hoops.
I literally had to tap out of the blow job. It was like a pornographic wrestling match
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
the paramedics asked what clubs id be in next weekend so they can plan ahead.
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
I did a hand stand against the glass wall at Ziggy's with no panties on and got 3 phone numbers. Thank God I shaved this morning...
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
I cannot even describe to you the most amazing ass I have ever had the pleasure of seeing walk up the stairs in front of me just now.
video games take priority over anything else you can offer me.
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
Randomize
