she just waddled down the stairs behind me and puked and kind of reached for me but i sped up. does that make me a bad person?
no you're not listening to me HE WANTED TO BRAID MY HAIR
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
Yeah he got kind of mad when he found out he had chased his last two shots with a combination of orange soda, water, and used mouth wash.
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
I LACK THE NECESSARY BRAIN FUNCTIONS TO BE ABLE TO PROPERLY RESPOND TO THAT
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
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