Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
Don't fret. That vag would have consumed a lesser man.
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
We were playing flip cup on the nice dining room table. Losing team had to shamwow the table in between rounds
Maybe she got knocked up by accident. I still refuse to believe that anyone actually INTENTIONALLY gets pregnant.
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
i'm trying to figure out what goes best with beef ramen. a 2007 merlot or a 2008 pinot noir? i'm leaning toward the pinot noir.
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
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