So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
You know, last years football game was epic, but seeing the same girl that gave you a bj in the parking lot, in the same parking spot...that's fate.
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
Ive only just recently decided that NOT fucking you would be best for both of us.
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
So I totally had sex In a teepee last night at that wedding reception.
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
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