She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
Well idk about you but my nose is all recovered for the weekend.
a pansexual with facepaint started fucking a tall black girl on the bed i was sitting on so im going to mcdonalds
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
Ramen still too hot to eat. Eating it anyway. Stoner girls feel no pain
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
Go have a frustration cry and get over it
I just peed on myself the semester has officially began.
Your boobs are like a folk legend.
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