Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
She had a little wicker basket of condoms by her bed. Disturbing yet convenient.
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
The key to alley sex is drunkeness.
Who would have guessed that her hair would be so flammable
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
We're like a dynamic duo.
Bisexual and Proud, Lesbian and Loud.
and then you two started interpretive dancing to Mozart
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
I got fucked in a bat mobile this morning. Being slutty rules.
Randomize
