After she swallowed she let out a hurge burp. No BS. I'm the cock of the walk.
I think you have the wrong number. But at any rate, respect.
I just watched Jersey Shore so I would know what rock bottom was when I reach it.
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
What are the signs of a concussion? Please don't freak out.
Hahhaha I literally just rolled outta bed and went to get beer in my pj's and slippers. God I love graduating
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
I just ate a handful of salt
I thought this was a good idea
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
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