She is in my trunk
my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
I officially lit my glove on fire while lighting the bong. Winter needs to end.
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
Sadly, she's the porn star that got away
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
You merely adopted the alcohol. I was born into it. Molded by it. I didn't see the hang over until I was a man and by then it was only blinding.
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
Randomize
