seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
you kept yelling something about watching the muppets chirstmas carol and trying to turn the t.v. on with your car keys
chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
He noticed there was ketchup on his shirt and took it off. Noticed there were people there and put it back on. Then he saw the ketchup again. He must have taken his shirt on and off about 6 times
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
and then he put stevie wonder on to fuck to...and hummed along as I blew him
We found a swing set....it's in the front yard.
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
I showed that dick picture that your date texted you to everyone because you passed out and left your phone unattended. Your fault. Plus his cock was big so his fault too.
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
I can still taste your cum in my mouth and my in-laws are coming over. This should go well.
Guy just rode past on a lowrider bike smoking a blunt, I want his life
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