I just watched the quarterback of Purdue get shut down by a girl at a bar. not a good omen
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
i just rolled a joint on the giving tree. that book has given me so much.
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
She walked into class late sat down for 5 min muttered 'oh i cant do this' and walked out. She looked like death.
We should party with her soon
Just remember that she is a giant dick-sucking forehead and you are better than that.
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
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