I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
Can't decide if this guy is hot or if I'm just bored.
Sex is clearly the solution either way.
Just had a threesome with a married couple.
Stop living my dream.
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
i woke up on the third floor, naked in a closet.
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
She's dancing around licking a fork of nutella. She is not sober.
Randomize
