Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
I'm making you a bingo card for hookups of the school year 2011-12 so you can make even worse life decisions next year
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
I just rode a horse than walked onto my property in boarshorts, flip flops, and holding a 40. What do I win?
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
I currently don't understand fingers.
Randomize
