hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
Yep just saw a license plate that read "taint 2" which implies there is a "taint 1". Only in Florida
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
We hooked up with his aunt passed out next to us. It was just like old times.
who were those guys at the table sniffing dryer sheets?
You know Im horny if Im walking around in my lingerie and sex robe. It's my field of dreams mentality. If I wear it, he will come.
U were yelling that I wasn't generous or supportive. Then you kneeled and said this weird prayer about the windows and doors of your life.
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
i miss freshman lecture halls much harder to take shots in a class of 20
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
Shirtless guy staggering down the sidewalk, puking into a Prada shopping bag. Ahhh, the walk of shame in Boystown.
Want to run by the liquor store later? Tequila Youn should really be in attendance at Party Mountain. No one else could be our spirit animal.
Sorry I missed your birthday party. I caught a dick and rode it to O-Town
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
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