I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
underwater hpnotiq shots? sure why not.
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
This girl invited us back on the promise of weed and strudel...she delivered neither.
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
There are leaves in my underwear?
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
Randomize