god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
After waking up today, I would like to find the Jesus preachers on campus to ask for help in asking for forgiveness to God.
He told me that he wanted to break up with his girl friend but only after we had sex, only for him to make sure I'm worth it..
Dude you didn't move for like 2 hours then suddenly sang the chorus to ghetto superstar and passed back out
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
drunk enough to drink jager bombs out of a bowl on the kitchen floor.
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
she's sniffed three people's necks on the bus to see who the good smell was coming from...
she's gonna get diseases
do you know where my other puke covered boot is
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
I cant go through life without knowing what ginger pubes actually look like
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
Randomize
