look no pants
When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
at least you got your priorties in line. new years first, than the baby.
just watched the video of me leading you with a trail of french fries.
I can't believe we had "50th anniversary of man in space" sex.
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
I just remember dedicating a shot to me giving you head so it was obviously a good night
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
Facebook is for cat videos and having better lives than people from high school, period.
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
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