there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
she uses ice cubes and hums anything I want. Last night was Welcome to the jungle. it wasnt lost on me shes a puma. no shame in that 30+ game.
worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
Chick took off her bra in the middle of class cuz it was "too hot." How's going out of state feel now?
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
Na Im fine, just need to un-grow this vagina I've developed
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
My dad just said "fuck circus"
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
also, I think I lit my hair on fire when I got home..
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
Randomize
