There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
I just want dick. Yours just gets priority because it is glorious
After we smoked, the cops questioned us but i just asked if he wanted to join our basketball team.
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
it's ok my mom asked me why i had a guys shirt on and also why there was chocolate all over my bra
I took the pregnancy test for shits and giggles, but neither shits nor giggles were had.
We had sex with a sexual harassment video playing in the background before his gf got there. I've hit a new low
Just come home. We will have sex and Taco Bell. I'm feeling wild, I put on temporary tattoos.
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
Humming the Indiana Jones theme song as my hand makes its way to his dick.
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
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