then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
it went kinda like vodka, childhood memories, screaming/cursing, fist fight, tears, broken shit, passing out. in that order. tis the season.
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
he's downstairs watching tv with my family... I called the home line so my mom could bring me my make up bag cause my real face would prob make him delete my number
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
i think god would be more upset with me for turning down such a beautifully crafted cock than he would for me liking girls
Well if YOU HAVE TO KNOW, we're laying across the street from the bar on that grassy hill trying to see who's she's with at the bar.
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
No bra. No panties. Makeup from last night. At work right now. I am trash.
I don't know if it was the movie or the drugs but after i watched it i wore the same spongebob shirt to school for two weeks and stopped showering
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
Randomize
