all I remember was being half naked drinking water on my hands and knees from her dogs water bowl.
take it from a girl who woke up with a girl in her bed... you were not that drunk.
I think vodka calistinics prior to and during beer olympics was a bad idea
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
The girls danced. I drank. Then I danced cause I was drunk. Then I ripped tim's shirt off cause I'm awesome.
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
Hitting up all my dealers for my birthday grams is paying off
Randomize
