Had a 3 sum last night, and today food just taste better and the air seems so much fresher!
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
Why is your signature on my underwear?
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
Sorry I forced you to take an adderall at 1am and then proceeded to dance to Lose Yourself outside of Qdoba.
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
So feel off my bed lastnight into the trashcan. On the plus side i thought under my bed was a cave and i went exsploring
I like how our relationship transcends the borders of inappropriateness and encompasses all the colors of the inappropriate rainbow.
The paramedics said she just kept whispering "I just wanted to party"
Well, if worst comes to worst, I have pictures of his penis that I can put on the internet
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
Randomize
