I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
I have no idea where we are. But it doesn't look dirty so I don't think we are in jersey yet
Dude..masurbate with cocoa butter lotion..its like cocoa pebbles just gave me a hand job
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
OH MY GOD DO YOU REMEMBER WISHBONE? DO YOU REMEMBER THAT LITTLE BITCH? WHAT'S THE STORY WISHBONE
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
Just because you are home alone for the weekend doesn't mean you can act like a nudist.
I accept your opinion but respectfully disagree. Also, I'm sitting in your chair.
I also woke up in a bed soaked of pee and drunkenly lectured him on the dangers of chewing tobacco... weird night
You walked in on us hooking up, hugged me, high fived him and unhooked my bra.. You claimed to be helping
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
Randomize
