My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
just walked into the room and her sister said loudly, "do him, or I will."
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
You kept buying everyone Washington apple shots, and telling us we needed to support local produce.
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
You shall now refer to my vagina as patty and patty only
I think we need to dedicate ourselves to building your stamina back to uterus breaking level
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
Randomize