Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
maybe i get so drunk and make stupid mistakes cuz Subconsiously im preparing for my real world debut
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
What would you do in exchange for having a girl eat a waffle house waffle off your body?
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
Is it a bad thing for a seven year old to call one an alcoholic? Asking for a friend..
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
Randomize
