I thouht it was time to go to sleep and suddenly I was front row on brokeback mountain
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
Ill trade u your bra for a run to the liquor store...
So the guy who is making our IDs is in jail now for attempted murder, with no bail...
So no fakes?
either i huffed spraypaint or ate out that makeup artist. you decide.
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.
He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
Randomize
