The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
Yep we found him face down in my sister's bathroom begging for blowjobs without mustard
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
He makes this seasoned whore feel like a novice. I've met the one.
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
In this house, we have but one simple rule: DONT FUCKIN TOUCH MY STUFF OR I'LL CUT YOUR NECK IN UR SLEEP
my penis made a compromise with my morals
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