My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
I actually want to hang out with her with our clothes on. That's a big step up for me.
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
The entire defensive line took care if me when I passed out. One of them even held my hair when I puked and the other carried me upstairs to bed. God I love football so much more now
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
just got home to find my brothers naked on the floor covered in chocolate. i am now nervous about sleeping in the same room as them
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
I'm pretty sure ignoring the person that just sent you a picture of their boobs is bad nude etiquette.
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
Randomize
