....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
Why is there 6 cases of kwic trip dounuts dumped in my bed? Best 34 dollar wake up of my life
Interestingly im still mad at you for the time we got high and you tried to hump me.
Lol thats a classic
he put listerine on his cock to make the taste more "enjoyable"... i think hes a keeper.
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
Even my conscience is telling me to take this Wednesday's exam buzzed.
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
I need to get laid. Right now that freshman frat pledge & my Econ professor are the leading candidates
That’s quite a spread
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